a few new (old) songs on the playlist. haven't been updating it for a while. i know friends say they (you) only listen to my list only when feeling down. but i don't necessarily only listen to sad songs when i am. maybe i just happen to like mellow-er tunes.
speaking of. i've just laid down a heavy baggage i've been carrying for a long time recently. it's weird saying those words; my shoulders still feel the phantom load that has been following me around.
it is not easy to accelerate healing. it takes time, full-on confrontation. a resistance to denial. but as with all things i do, i believe in having control. be it my breathing, parts of my body and the way they function, my physical stamina and fatigue, i believe memories and emotions can too be manipulated. reeling in takes effort, but moving on while dragging along a heavy heart makes no sense.
you will not be my ball and chain.
+ + +
Tuesday, August 11, 2009::04:12 p.m.
i have never felt so misunderstood in my entire life.
+ + +
on balance
Sunday, August 2, 2009::01:13 p.m.
life's swimmingly good these days. my search for balance, to offset the unreal amount of work, has bode well. there's good company, food. alot of time spent on beaches. intensive wine drinking, an admittedly highly pretentious activity that i would not enjoy if not for the conversations over sessions. we run all over the island exploring new places. songs sung to tame the night. i'm the guest chef at a friend's pub on some weekday nights, resulting in a dip in business, but i try to make it up with funny stories. as a result of all these sleep is a greater non-commodity recently, but it has all been worth it.
as i watched the sand wash out from beneath my wrinkled soles, i wondered how long all this can last. but till then, i'm living the life i have seeked for a long time.
用笑容來把眼淚催眠
短占的解放
应该也是地道的
+ + +
Thursday, July 30, 2009::10:09 p.m.
this past month has been a happy/bitter-sweet one. aside from work, which never ends, alot of my time has been devoted to solely one thing.
there used to be a time (and relapse is a constant, albeit abated, occurence) where my incessant need to be in solitude had alienated some around me. i would simply not turn up for gatherings, not pick up calls. when you didn't have a phone, as was with me for a couple of years, both were easy to accomplish. despite their repeated efforts to rein me in, my fading came with a kind of persistence that prevailed, to my eventual dismay.
i'm not sure what compelled me to start making amends a month or so back. but it has taken alot of calls, late night chats, short trips and awkward conversations to resume a normalcy of sorts between myself and a few individuals/groups of friends.
most had alot to tell, ask. some had little to say initially. but eventually all were glad, to my relief. a couple asked for the reason i shut them out. i simply keep silent, because i don't know why even now. i am guessing some freak programming within me. of the things said, several hurt.
i have always emphasised loyalty. but it seems that i have failed in executing the very virtue i demand.
well, all in all, it went ok. in fact, more than ok. there is still more work to be done, but one step at a time.
+ + +
had we but world enough, and time.
Saturday, July 18, 2009::02:09 p.m.
(let it load a while before playing. the youtube version kinda sucked in quality, thus this.)
this came out some time back. i must have watched it fifty times. the local release is slated for the 17th of september, and i'm apprehensive, along with thousands of fans in the world.
the lines are all wrong. it looks like it's going to be a post-card capture of the entire story; not that i blame the producers, as, really, it isn't a book that's easy to manifest in celluloid. i still moan the absence of characters such as ingrid and kimy, pivotal characters who helped shape henry, amidst other things. it seems like this one's going to be a chick-lit summary, encompassing none of the darkness that was subtly infused into the story. and i am pretty sure there ain't going to be much references to music and literature that completed the charm of the original book. but i guess it's true - comparing a novel to it's film adaptation is often an exercise in futility and irrelevance. i shudder at the recollection of the film version of a hundred years of solitude.
even the poster stinks of a chick-lit-fest peddled for maximum commercial appeal.
but still, still. september 17th.
+ + +
30 years..
sunday, july 12, 2009::2125h
..and still the hottest in the world.
+ + +
bummer.
wednesday, July 8, 2009::0115h
my even more erratic than usual schedule recently has meant that i now have more daylight, of which i cannot bring myself to spend sleeping, which in turn means more time for introspection. i seldom enjoy these moments, especially when they are prolonged. certain thoughts start to over-stay their welcome, for it is never nice to come to terms with what an asshole one truly is.
i have come to realise how flawed a character i am. i am almost always the friend that others turn to at junctures, the rest-stop at the ingress and egress of their journeys , whatever their destination should be. it is then that i offer my diluted doses of advice, which they have, till now, accepted as logical and probably heed-worthy.
the only problem lies with my old dear self. it seems that i (the cognitive self) maintain a perpetually weak cortical link with my physical self. what i know, preach, and even sometimes believe wholly in, are therefore seldom what i do. in fact, most of the time i am driven, perhaps unconsciously, by a need to run my chisel against the grain. hence, i am frequently seen as an irrational being whose actions are more often than not arbitrary. it has become a madness untamable and thus, as most strange things distill into, an acceptable one by those around me.
i am tired of having to do things only to know that i will chide myself on later. i hope for constant alignment of what i know to be the right things, with what i do. either that, or release from this bondage of conscience. because i know what keeps me moral/humane/sane, is also slowly grinding my inner-balance into raving madness.
. . . . .
was amused recently to find out from my old friend that her husband is still pissed that i groped her butt at her wedding. ok let me explain. i made an appearance at her wedding dinner, and upon reaching i informed her that i won't be able to stay, due to other commitments. so she gave me a hug and a kiss, thanking me nonetheless for coming. so i returned the hug, and my palm accidentally rested on her bum. truly, sincerely, an accident. we were quite close so it did not mattered much to her, neither did it to me consciously, so she continued talking to me while we were in embrace, while i did not pay mind to remove my damned hand. it was only after a minute or two of conversation, that i looked up and saw, guess who, her groom staring parangs at me. me, being the friendly lad i am, then lifted my non-bummy hand and waved hi.
in retrospect, i would not have been too happy either if i was in his shoes. what with a lad hugging my wife, palm on butt cheek, waving and smiling at me with my wife speaking into the said lad's neck, at the night of the rest of your lives no less.
ok ok i get the picture. but what i don't get is you still being pissed about it so many months later, and even after your wife took the effort to explain to you several times. no, i don't have designs on your wife, it was purely an accident, we are simply old friends who have knew each other for ten over years, and i am elated to say the least to see her happily married. so please, get over yourself and move on. your baby is not going to turn out resembling me. your manhood is not threatened. your appendage has already reached critical minisculity; it will not shrink further.
besides, it's not like i haven't already palmed her for real countless times years before you even met her. dimwit.
+ + +
my sky / your share
monday, June 29, 2009::07:32 p.m.
"what is best in life?"
"to crush your enemies see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of women shit i fucked it ask me again."
"what is best in life?"
"to hear birds in the morning or you wake up and it's raining and the rain on the window going pitter-patter when it's cloudy and dark and your head's like a brick and you don't wanna move so you wait so you pull up the covers not this sounds way too gay i gotta start over i hate my voice ask me again."
"what is best in life?"
"to be at the movies at the east-towne 5 and you're holding her hand and you feel her blood going through her hand up into your body and the planets are crashing the world is dying but none of it matters the sound of her body it's humming the ions in the weird darkness her beauty could turn you to stone and you know without knowing that you are alive and what it means to be dead and you wanna go way out further than you've ever gone before but everything's gone or slipping away and holding on to love is like hugging fog i'm falling to pieces ask me again."
"what is best in life?"
"a bright white moon hovering over the swamp and the fireflies at the window all spelling your name and lighting the way to no fuck wait."
"what is best in life?"
"the longing the waiting the mystery the silence."
~ bryan charles, grab on to me tightly as if i knew the way
+ + +
fight against the hours.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009::10:19 p.m.
11 years on and she's still cool. she was the second female vocalist i really liked after jewel. listening to her songs now, i can't help feeling old.
do you wanna know, what i think of you
do you wanna know
do you wanna know, if i'm doing ok
just ask and i'll say
i'll say the words that i've longed to speak
have kept quiet for some time
i'm sorry, it's just too late
to get it all back, get back what we had
i'm sorry, it's just not right
we both know it wasn't meant to be like
this at all
do you wanna know, how i feel about you
do you wanna know,
do you wanna know, if i'm able to forget
there are times, i wish we'd never met
i'm sorry, it's just too late
to get it all back, get back what we had
i'm sorry, it's just not right
we both know it wasn't meant to be like
this at all
+ + +
Wednesday, June 10, 2009::10:34 a.m.
a wrong decision has inertia. untreated, it propels itself into an tireless orbit. as it moves it garners strength and speed, moving through the fields of our hearts' debris and gains mass. until we no longer can compell it to stop with the gravity of our pleads.
i will not be pulled along. i shall not make such wrong decisions again.
i do worry about the speed and ease it took to turn over this time. i guess it has come to a point they call jadedness. the drying, and eventual hardening, of the heart.
thanks for the calls, messages, tags and all. everyone. i don't really know how to reply except with a smile. is there really any other way. it's amazing how much support i get despite running into the same/similar holes voluntarily so many times.
+ + +
Friday, June 5, 2009::12:36 a.m.
i have to close a chapter that has spanned three years too long. it will not go anywhere, and i have already ruined enough.
i thought i knew the best time to make it known. even for a moment right after, i still thought i had it right. but it wasn't, never will be. my silence was intolerable, but at least it was better than when i spoke, even though i spoke ever so softly, subtlely.
i will never be her dream, not even a part of her dreams. i will never skip her heart the way she desires it to be. no matter how hard i looked, i could never see myself in her eyes.
words will never come out the way they were intended to. i am meant to stay silent, for it will never be my talent to translate my thoughts into conversation. all i do is lace my words with the vileness that's inherent within me.
it is perfectly fine with me to keep trying. i can keep trying, picking up the pieces of my heart after each attempt, reassembling it the best i can, til it no longer resembles what it used to look like. i am willing to break and break and break and again.
but what good does it do, if i can never ensure your happiness. i'm content enough with having made you smile once. that one, isolated time. if my presence makes you more uncomfortable, then i must walk away quietly. we should never overstay our welcome. as much as we sometimes wish to linger in the background, hoping to be the invisible samaritan, hoping to catch a glimpse of her smile, even if it's one we had no part in enlisting.
i have nothing to give to you. nothing that you want.
i'm good with matters of the head. but i'm no good in matters of emotions. i'm a clumsy fool in such things. my palms were never meant to cradle, only to crush.
so here i am, a new set of realisations, earned with the price of permanent failure of the heart. the understanding that not all fates are aligned, despite our best efforts to draw them in. that wishful thinking leads no where. that some people, we are not meant to understand. that if it is so hard, so painful to manifest, it was never meant to be. that love is not a raging race against the dying light, but a gentle easing into the night. that love cannot be rehearsed.
i can no longer console myself, living in the thought that i have the comfort of my own solitude to return to whenever i am wary; i can no longer crawl back to a heart that's no longer there.
hope was a mint i savoured in my mouth, not realising that it was only a temporal sweetness.
+ + +
slip
monday, june 1, 2009::2152h
hope is a stray kite,
drifting through a loveless flight.
+ + +
if it's a broken part, replace it
Friday, May 29, 2009::08:38 p.m.
i. i'm sun-burnt all over. even my butt-cheeks.. no kidding.
ii. i seem to be disappointing friends left right center inside outside recently. sigh.
iii. most of all, you.
iv. i can't stop running. it's an obsession, and the only way i stay sane. i'm mostly normal only when i run. i stopped for a day yesterday, and immediately i fell sick and almost went mentally nuts.
+ + +
Friday, May 22, 2009::09:51 p.m.
can i complain, when i'm the one who chose my own pain.
i wonder if it's naive to still think that, just maybe, your smile is worth much more than my foolish pride.
+ + +
red wing love.
Thursday, May 21, 2009::12:20 p.m.
i'm in love.
i was intending to get my favorite red wing 1907s (below)...
...when i came across these:
NDG x Red Wing, grey colourway. they burnt a hole in my pockets, but there are only 60 worldwide, and i'm pretty sure i'm the only one in sg who has them. my previous harley boots lasted me 8 years, and these i'm probably gonna wear for ten. so divide the amount logically and its only the price of a pair of army sports shoes each year. that's pretty worth it methinks. i've always wanted rw boots since i was 14 anyway.
will receive the shipment next week. guess i'll have to wait a month or so before i get the brown ones.
+ + +
Saturday, May 16, 2009::01:54 p.m.
meant to post this awhile back but slipped my mind.
isn't he the cutest? its great to see kids dressed appropriately, rather than as walking adverts for the latest 'toon. i've the same pieces of clothing as him (save for the straw hat. can't wear lar, i'm yellow) but i doubt i can (or anyone for the matter) can pull it off as well as he did.
photograph via the sartorialist (link above).
+ + +
this bondage we call silence.
Friday, May 15, 2009::07:48 p.m.
i haven't seen anyone for weeks and probably won't for the next few. no, i'm not avoiding the world like i used to do. though, admittedly, i really like to, otherwise. work is simply hectic.
the past months have been tiring, to say the least. physically, mostly emotionally. i've come to learn a lot, from the wars raging within myself. i now understand patience, although i am not practising it well. patience is the greatest virtue, though it is also the one that hurts the most sometimes. i now understand reciprocation is not a given. that things don't always go the way i want.
i can no longer demand what i wish to have. guess its part of growing up (i know i'm a little slow in that aspect).
i went for range earlier. i was shooting 87% accuracy. which, by our training standards, means to say i am dead after 5 shots. this is the worst i have shot since.. well forever. anyways, that says alot about my state of mind now. for the entire shoot, i couldn't focus. there i was, in the rain and zoning out in the foxhole, missing the last 3 targets because my mind was far away elsewhere.
there's a trip (leisure, finally) in june. i've never planned so much for any trip ever. i just hope it will still be fun, and i can keep myself together.
ah well. i'll see you guys when i do. take care.
"for all sad words on tongue or pen, the saddest are these: "it might have been."
+ + +
Thursday, May 7, 2009::10:11 a.m.
♥♥♥
perfect hair
+ + +
Saturday, May 2, 2009::09:37 a.m.
this is hilarious [click]. i'm guessing its either a case of really bad phrasing, or simply rabid douchebaggin'. some of the answers were priceless. check out sacha d's reply.
+ + +
wonder baby vs. wonder girls
Friday, May 1, 2009::10:26 p.m.
she's the cutest thing ever la. sadly, i'm a big closet fan of the wonder girls, so i could tell her moves were actually rather authentic. sign. damn cute la, only 4 years old.
+ + +
fade.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009::11:50 p.m.
there's a story on the window; a painting of droplets and mist.
the droplets your words. the mist, your memories.
i'm watching from the outside, and i cannot touch the scene. i know i'll never feel the winter inside where you are.
but the least i can do, if you'd just let me enter, is lend a little warmth to you.
but all i seem to be able to do is stand outside; waiting. fogging up the glass with every breath i take.
i can wait, but soon you'll be nothing more than a blur.
+ + +
sitting, waiting, wishing
sunday, april 19, 2009::01:14 a.m.
a heartbreak is not a single, independent event. it is a vicious chain; the lingering regrets of one person becoming the dashed hopes of another.
i wished i didn't asked. i wished i didn't know.
+ + +
do i
Thursday, April 16, 2009::01:43 a.m.
勇气
不是等就会浮现的。
是得从心中取出的。
+ + +
Saturday, April 4, 2009::08:24 p.m.
after dinner and prior to the freakshow, we caught 'angels are architects' at the home club. there were barely 30 folks in the room, pity, 'cos they definitely deserve a larger audience.
its sad not many younglings go to gigs anymore these days. well aside from those that have been unduly overhyped.
+ + +
Thursday, April 2, 2009::09:58 p.m.
some people like cars, some people like wine.
i think i really like heartbreaks. because that seems to be the only reason why i keep diving into them.
+ + +
Tuesday, March 17, 2009::09:53 p.m.
+ + +
b-baby brea.. hmm roll-dancing
Saturday, March 14, 2009::03:15 p.m.
+ + +
Sunday, March 8, 2009::05:40 p.m.
a sign will be nice. any kind.
+ + +
sneaks my kids will wear.
Thursday, March 5, 2009::08:31 p.m.
+ + +
assurance for my friends.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009::02:09 p.m.
+ + +
the week in stills
Sunday, February 22, 2009::09:27 p.m.
+ + +
Friday, February 20, 2009::09:52 p.m.
1) thread softly.
2) was given a choice at work today. its something i wanted a while back. but admittedly, it has lost quite abit of its initial appeal. both ways, to take it up or not, the future looks bleak. i'm supposed to give my answer next week. i'm so lost now but there really isn't anyone to consult save for myself.
3) i wish the states were further away. like on-another-planet kind of far.
4) i'm breaking the 70kg mark soon.
5) i'm pretty sure now.
+ + +
sunday, february 1, 2009::2045h
focus on the grandpa in the middle from 1:45s onwards. this is funniest shit i've seen all year.
+ + +
friday, January 23, 2009::1753h
it hurts to hear you say you're looking but can't find
so not 貼切
someday i want to be able to sing sad songs in a happy way like him.
+ + +
bottle me up and set to sail.
wednesday, january 21, 2009::2150h
some terrain, you need to move through it slow step by slow step.
some things, you need to inch towards them little by little. wind raging on my back. delicate approach. for fear of moving too fast. but how slow can one go without losing arm's reach.
cny is coming soon. as expected, have to work. yey.
+ + +
in anticipation of.
sunday, january 18, 2009::1530h
-resolved.
+ + +
sunday, january 4, 2009::1521h
am i going wait, as i have always had,
for something to be taken away before i start regretting.
but some things you just cannot convince yourself.
it does not make it real.
+ + +
sunday, december 21, 2008::2208h
it's cold when it's october here
so i guess i won't see you at my birthday this year
and who'd have thought a love like that
would wither and wash out as winter pulls near
i'm not gonna cry about it no
i'm just gonna lie about it
your laughter filling my sails
as in fall the golden leaf must give in to the winds
this here tale of love is somehow meant to end where it begins
so
back where we started
back where we started
and why don't we just leave it
no
not broken hearted
just back where we started
and why don't we just leave it at that
the summer asked no questions and the wind found no excuse to abridge our story
over
and nature is a faithless friend and counting on her favours will make you sorry
i'm not gonna cry about you
it's not like i'll die without you
your laughter filling my sails
so
back where we started
back where we started
and why don't we just leave it
no
not broken hearted
just back where we started
and why don't we just leave it at that
+ + +
i'm at work now. i like doing sunday nights in the office, when the week is ending, and thus, seem to be taking a seat back and cracking open her can of beer, waiting for the new week to arrive and hand over the shift, then she will change into duller clothes and go play with the rest of retired weeks in the vacant fields. promises lay forgotten, and everything is tranquil.
oh yes,
happy birthday peelee, don't grow up too fast on me okay
and
happy birthday naz, don't grow anymore ok
+ + +
coffee black & egg whites.
monday, december 8, 2008::1945h
for the next few weeks, we put our thoughts aside and live.
+ + +
wednesday, december 3, 2008::2108h
so i just found out my favourite song for the year is in the soundtrack for the 'twilight' movie. sad. i happen to (sorry) think its a dumb franchise, be it the books or film. sigh.
i mean, ok, here's a sample bit from the book:
"His face drifted to the side, his nose skimming across my collarbone. He came to rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest.
Listening to my heart.
"Ah," he sighed.
what the hell? sigh.
+ + +
流浪的理由
sunday, november 30, 2008::1101h
有絲絲新謠的曲感
+ + +
241108。 1539时。阴转晴。
monday, november 24, 2008::2022h
life is good. but what's the benchmark anyway.
是不是说没有做完的梦最痛。
+ + +
201108。 0905时。 晴朗。
sunday, november 23, 2008::2143h
work never felt so lonely.
still no christmas mood. :/
+ + +
monday, november 17, 2008::2155h
this is the only time i saw a cover of the song that does it justice. acoustic no less, rocks lar.
+ + +
wednesday, november 12, 2008::1915h
RIP hermie.
you left this morning, just when i woke. its been.. 4, 5 years? i don't really remember. you were a residual resident of something that should have passed long ago; a reminder that went on too long.
i'm only sorry i was never as good an owner as i should have been. i never denied it. i never really played with you much or gave you the appropriate attention, only buying you everything you need and giving you the best money could buy for a hammie. pretty much how i treated people.
bye hermie, you'll be missed.
+ + +
Hebrews 11:1
monday, november 10, 2008::2300h
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
+ + +
yo ah yo.
saturday, november 8, 2008::1835h
wrist-rollin' teenies got served.
+ + +
friday, november 7, 2008::0938h
沒有地球, 太陽還是會繞。
+ + +
that all elusive piece of mind
saturday, october 25, 2008::1355h
there're few things nicer than the sound of the guitar against waves swept shore.
you liked it so much in the city
you know i could not stand it there
you loved to get lost in the people
and pretend that they really cared
you know you're such a bad imposter
hiding your wings beneath your coat
i watched your footprints making patterns
away from me into the snow
now i don't believe in nothing anymore...
cuz love is permanent and not temporary
and it's driven straight into our chest
and buried much too deep
to just pull out like weeds in a garden
it's permanent
well i'm sorry
so lately i've been going crazy
trying to get you off my mind
cuz thoughts of you hang just like pictures
and gather dust over the time
we hung them up just like real lovers
and drove our nails into the wall
cuz we thought they'd be there forever
we weren't permanent at all
and it's getting much too hard to see it now...
cuz love is permanent and not temporary
and it's driven straight into our chest
and buried much too deep
to just pull out like weeds in a garden
it's permanent
well i'm sorry
+ + +
.
sunday, october 19, 2008::1508h
it doesn't matter what i have to say now. that fact remains as this: as much as i can think about it, i am not part of your story, as you never were a part of mine.
i am not there where you are. i'm neither a word on your lips, or a chord within your thoughts. i am not between the space where your hands embrace, the spot where he leans into your neck. i occupy probably, at most, a second in your year.
that, was the second this year.
there are no pretty words to explain this. there is no sadness, no regrets, no reminiscence. because there was nothing at all.
+ + +
set my dumplings free.
thursday, october 16, 2008::1922h
so i was doing some work in town the other day, and had an hour or so to spare in between. so i went shopping for a pair of new pants. and it seems like there is nothing in every shop except for those darn skinny jeans, and even other makes like the boot-cuts, slim and what were previously called, get this, loose-fit ones were somehow downsized, in an apparent concerted attempt to make skinnyjeanwearing-suckers seem normal.
okay, i thought, i'll find the loosest they've got in every range. first spot, topman. i struggled to fit into one, and my balls grimaced and protested grumpily. next place, guess. my balls rebelled and threatened to pop out. third shop, zara. i had to literally jump into the pants in order to fit in. this time round my balls had enough and almost flew out of my happy place and smack me in the face, had my porksword not intervened. i almost freaking fell down while trying to take them out (the pants, not my balls).
this is simply ridiculous because, I AM NOT A CHICKEN, I AM A MAN, I HAVE MEAT ON MY LEGS. i don't have thunder thighs, just simple, normal human legs. why is it so hard to find a pair of comfortable jeans that will not choke my balls smurf-blue?
for those of you who have seen me naked (probably against your own will), you will know something about my body: i have the torso of a 1.7m+ lad, with the legs of a 1.5m+ dude. thus, while my height averages out in a way, i look effectively like.. ok i have no lame analogy for this, a freak. and my body's proportion diminishes from head to toe (except for my happy region, which is inversely proportionate..) thus, even if i would to endure wearing a pair of skinny-ish pants out, i will look a giant lollipop. chupamx.
i hate this current trend. it doesn't seem to be going away, and i need some jeans real bad. hopefully the kids these days will start to realise soon that, no, they do not look good in their flaming red ball-strangling stretchy skinny jeans. and that puberty might be discouraged to prosper under those conditions. yes, girls look nice in them. because, they, are, girls. and if that isn't bad enough, the trend is extending to shorts, those berms looking sort. look, guys do not wear tight shorts. if we were meant to, they will sell hot pants at the gap for men.
so please, wake up kids, soon, and allow the stores to reinstate normal human-sized pants.
+ + +
the heart is a vessel to be filled. but sometimes emptied.
tuesday, october 7, 2008::2044h
it seems that there's more to do, but less to write about these days. working life has that effect. everything seems petty in comparison, nothing really means much anymore. there are things to plan for, meetings to attend, tasks to complete. your own concerns about your personal life are side issues. especially when you have people at work to account for, take care of. everything at the workplace is on schedule, well-taken care of, but the balance is upset when you realise there's alot within you that's not sorted out. but you barely have time to worry about those, and when you do, it all seems petty again.
and so it is. just, like, they, never, said, it would be. work doesn't get easier, but it isn't cemi-field physics either. details aside, i still face people on a near-daily basis who make the common remark on me making the incredibly doltish decision to join the force. no, i don't think it is foolish to, no, i don't care about better prospects out there, and no, i don't care that i can put my potential towards better use elsewhere. i happen to genuinely like serving my country, although i'm not your typical rah-rah patriot. no, if you cut me open i won't bleed red and white and crescents or stars. i don't even like watching the national day parade or sing the anthem. it's hard to distill the pith of my rationale for doing so. to put it simply, i just like doing my bit. even if it sometimes calls for me to do things against conventional morals. but we know its for the greater good.
back to the initial topic: there's much more to do, but nothing done for me. while i do not mind, i realise it isn't healthy. and we are but young once. i really need a break sometime soon, to have some peace elsewhere.
to stroll instead of run, to eat instead of gobbling down my food, to let thoughts flow instead of analyse. to re-write this song, that's been, of late, words without a strain.
ships (and other vessels) with barnacles on their hulls, will move slower, and eventually sink, if they are allowed to accumulate.
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handguns for hearts.
wednesday, september 24, 2008::2154h
Our love has been the thread through the labyrinth, the net under the high-wire walker, the only real thing in this strange life of mine that i could ever trust. tonight i feel that my love for you has more density in this world than i do, myself: as though it could linger on after me and surround you, keep you, hold you.
--tttw
so it seems what alot of folks (but none i know) have been waiting for will be pushed to christmas this year. i suppose it ain't too bad to wait a lil' longer, seeing how far it has been.
it seems rather hard for many to understand my obsession with the book. its just that it was the first time i read something comprising of so so many fragments familiar and close to me. from references to byatt to rilke(!) to the femmes and golden-age punk to existentialism to libraries to predestination to being absent his whole fucking life. its one of those books where the author shares with general readers a plot, and with a few others a little more.
anais nin has proved to be a great re-read. i've been going over the four chambered heart again, this time with greater understanding, and naturally, guilt. how many pages resonate man, shit.
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tuesday, september 16, 2008::2136h
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how could anyone not love, the terrible things you do?
sunday, september 7, 2008::1730h
haven't painted anything digital in forever. this took me quite a while, so the rest of the layout's pretty incomplete. have made the archives page available. on the right if you can find them.
trapped on the terraces
i looked at you anew
you were the only thing that mattered
there was no one for me but you
and harmony street would beat a man just for standing there
i held my breath as i watched you sleep
and run your fingers through your hair
oh how could anyone not love the terrible things that you do?
oh how could anyone not want to try and help you?
in burmansy and burbury you held me at the barricade
the pigs arrived with tear gas and i wept here for mistakes we made
we stalked the streets like animals and danced as windows shattered
for the island, for the thrill of it, for everything that mattered
oh how could anyone not want to rip it all apart?
oh how could anyone not love your cold black heart?
i found you on a saturday and that was where i lost you
you had to finally walk away because of what it cost you
years later i saw your face in line to catch the morning train
you looked like youd been softened like you never really loved the pain
oh how could anyone not finally diminish?
the thrill of blood comes instantly
theres only darkness at the finish
meet me at the barricade
ill be at the barricade
meet me at the barricade
the love died, but the hate cant fade
ill be at the barricade
the love died, but the hate cant fade
